Disclaimer: I am not a physician, psychologist, or psychiatrist or doctor. I'm just a guy who is creating a platform for men who want to conquer their demons and become the hero of their story.
None of this is advice, I can't care about your life more than you do. You can make your own decisions. This is just stuff I have picked up on the topic of mental health, as well as the practices that have worked for me personally. Use this for informational purposes only.
Depression is often seen as a disorder that needs to be eradicated at all costs, but what if we looked at it in a different light?
What if, instead of trying to eliminate it completely, we learned to manage it and even embrace it as a natural part of the human experience?
Depression is simply an alarm bell, alerting us to the fact that something is wrong and we need to take a step back and revaluate our lives. It acts as an early warning sign, urging us to prioritise making time to work on ourselves and our lives.
Interestingly, the actions that can help alleviate depression are often the very same things that our ancestors did naturally:
- Eating real food provides nutrition
- Exercising
- Helping others
- Spending time in nature
These early warning signals can serve as a wake-up call to be more intentional about living a healthy, purposeful life. So instead of seeing depression as a purely negative experience, learn to appreciate its role in our lives and use it as a catalyst for positive change.
It's about being proactive when it comes to our mental health. The chemical balance in your brain is greatly influenced by the things you do. Once you learn how to manage your low moods, you won't fear them anymore. People fear what they have no control over, I've learnt to control my moods be developing habits that produce feel good chemicals in the brain. I don't mind feeling sad because I know that I can be happy at any given moment. And the good news is, anyone can develop these habits.
We break down how to do this elsewhere in the series, this section is aimed at thinking depression in a more helpful way. So, how does society define depression in the first place?
For a spell of sadness to be considered a Major Depressive Episode, it must persist for at least two weeks, and be accompanied by at least 5 of these symptoms:
- Feelings of sadness, emptiness, or unhappiness
- Angry outbursts, irritability or frustration, even over small matters
- Loss of interest or pleasure in normal activities, such as sex
- Sleep disturbances, including insomnia or sleeping too much
- Tiredness and lack of energy, so that even small tasks take extra effort
- Changes in appetite — often reduced appetite and weight loss, but increased cravings for food and weight gain in some people
- Anxiety, agitation, or restlessness — for example, excessive worrying, pacing, hand-wringing, or an inability to sit still
- Slowed thinking, speaking, or body movements
- Feelings of worthlessness or guilt, fixating on past failures, or blaming yourself for things that are not your responsibility
- Trouble thinking, concentrating, making decisions, and remembering things Frequent thoughts of death, suicidal thoughts, suicide attempts, or suicide Unexplained physical problems, such as back pain or headaches
REFRAMING DEPRESSION
Understand that depression is natural. Depression has been around for thousands of years, and has been viewed in very different ways throughout that time. These days we see it as a sickness and disease and this framework only disempowers you. By comparing it to a physical illness, no different than something like cancer, some of the stigma surrounding mental illness is removed. But when a disease is something you have no control over; its presence makes you a victim. The idea of depression as a disease can lead to feelings of helplessness and hopelessness, anxiety and despondency. How is this helpful to anyone?
If you want to be the hero of your story rather than the damsel in distress, here is how you view depression: Depression is not real but feeling depressed is real. It's a natural part of the human experience. If you FEEL depressed, something is depressing you and YOU need to do everything in YOUR power to fix it. It's a natural biological evolutionary warning sign. It's your mind telling you're not happy about something and you need to take action and become a better version of yourself to find a solution.
I say all this because by society's metrics I've been depressed before. I only realised this when I wrote the section above about how to spot the early warning signs. I had the majority of those symptoms. The year was 2021 and I couldn't quite put my finger on it, but I just didn't feel like myself. I was going through the motions of life. I had all the classic symptoms - the emptiness, the numbness, the frustration with my life but I didn't know why. I thought it was just a phase, or that maybe I was just getting older and losing my spark.
But looking back, I can see how much it impacted my life. I couldn't sleep to the point where I developed insomnia which lasted a whole month. I didn't enjoy sex; I'd just go through the motions and then always felt empty after. At the time, I actually thought I'd just slept with enough women and was ready to settle down.
I remember other people even noticing and commenting on the fact I was a lot quieter and withdrawn. This phase lasted for the best part of a year but it never crossed my mind for one second that I could've had depression. I actually jokingly suspected I could be turning into a psychopath because I felt dead inside.
I knew there was something wrong with me and luckily, I responded by getting in the best shape of my life. My sadness was the catalyst for getting stronger and bulking up because the gym was the only thing that made me feel good. The gym became my sanctuary - a place where I could forget about my problems and focus on taking care of my body. And gratitude journaling daily helped me focus on the few positive aspects of my life, even when everything else felt grey.
As I said earlier, you can act your way into feeling good. Your actions dictate the chemicals your brain processes and when you workout, your body will produce feel good chemicals like endorphins and dopamine. When you gratitude journal and think about the things you can appreciate about your life, your brain will produce oxytocin and serotonin which make you feel happy.
The rest of the day might suck but those moments of feeling good will remind you that you have some control over your situation. The way you feel is in constant flux and being in a season of mostly sadness doesn't define your life. It's just a temporary moment and it will pass if you're a man of action that is consistently looking to improve himself and his life.
ITS ALL ENERGY
Depression can make you feel like you're in a dark and lonely place. It's easy to get stuck in a cycle of negative thoughts and feelings, withdrawing from the world around you. But what if you could use that single-minded focus for something positive? Many famous historical figures, from Darwin to Churchill, have channelled their pain into productive pursuits that made significant contributions to society. Pain, sadness, fear, it's all energy that can be channelled and transformed into something more positive and productive.
There's a certain depth and seriousness that comes with being an "old soul," which is often associated with depression. Those who feel more depressed have a certain groundedness that comes from spending more time in solitude. They have a unique perspective on the human condition that can lead to greater empathy and wisdom. People often feel comfortable confiding in someone who has struggled more rather than someone who is always happy and may not understand the weight of their problems.
Depression can be a difficult and painful experience if you choose to become a victim as a result of it. So, maybe avoid doing that. By nature, the life of a victim is one of suffering. You can choose to be the hero instead though. Depression can be a catalyst for growth and self-discovery like it was for me. By channelling your focus into something positive, you can use your sadness to improve your situation. And by embracing your introspection and empathy, you can connect with others in a meaningful way and offer them a helping hand through their own struggles. It’s often easier to confide in a more low key man, and trust he may have some advice for you, than it is a hyper- cheery, everything's-awesome kind of dude, who may not really get why you're having a hard time, and brushes off your concerns with a shrug and a smile.
I'm not saying depressive symptoms aren't challenging to deal with. They are. People kill themselves over these feelings. Some people live in an everlasting spring, others like me reside in an eternal winter. When you accept your chill temperament, and realise it will take hard, intentional work to harness and keep in check, you will develop the tools to do this.
It took me several months before I began feeling like the best version of me again. It took time. It wasn't like I suddenly felt super happy and positive all the time. I just didn't feel like something was missing anymore. That numbness and emptiness I felt slowly faded and colour came back into my life gradually, rather than all at once.
Understand that your maintenance program will last forever. This isn't a one and done job, your mental health is no different to your physical health, it will deteriorate if you stop working on it. It takes constant practice and intentional effort every single day. When you're in a season of feeling low, giving that kind of effort can be hard. But there's nothing wrong with hard. Men are born to do difficult things, and the harder the challenges you overcome the more interesting your story becomes. And the more meaning your life will have.
I'm not one of these cheery guys. And I never have been. For the most part I'm a content, stable, grounded, and well-functioning guy. I laugh, joke, and enjoy life. But no one would ever accuse me of having a sunny vibe. I don't think that will ever change either, mostly because I like thinking about complex problems and trying to solve them. Realising that this is simply my inclination allowed me to stop judging my feelings. I actually became happier by giving up on being happy...at least in the way we currently define it.
REFRAMING HAPPINESS
Happiness is fleeting; feelings and emotions come and go like a summer breeze. Some people are happy more often than others and it's fine, everyone doesn't need to be cheery all the time.
Which is why it might be useful to swap the modern concept of happiness as "feeling good" for the definition favoured by the ancient Greeks. In the old times, happiness aka eudaimonia, meant living a flourishing life. In basic terms the Greeks described a flourishing life as one where a person lived with morals and maximised their potential by undertaking worthy pursuits. Happiness was not a fickle feeling, but the sense of satisfaction that comes from reviewing your effort each day, week, month, and year and being proud of your progress.
"Count no man happy until the end is known." Happiness is a life-long project.
The ancient Greeks idea of happiness isn’t fleeting. It is more concrete and within our control; anyone can achieve it. It requires you to strive for excellence not only in the big things in life, but also the mundane. Every moment is both a challenge and an opportunity. Within this mental framework of happiness, it doesn't matter if you're not brimming with motivation. All that matters is doing the work to be a little bit better in everything you do everyday.
But here's the interesting thing. As you focus on taking action to be better — to flourish — to boom – you put yourself in a position to experience more "feel good" happiness, too. After every workout I feel good. After every gratitude journal I feel good. After every task or goal I complete on my to-do list, I feel good. Feel-good happiness won't be present all the time, so don't expect it to, but enjoy it when it pays a visit. Soak it in. Relish it. But then get back to working on living a life of excellence.
Always remember, you were born to be the hero of your story.
Free your outlaw.