THE OBSTACLE IS THE WAY
Let me take you back to a pivotal moment in my life, a moment when everything changed. I was 25, living a reckless existence, convinced that philosophy was nothing more than a pastime for intellectuals and dreamers. But life has a way of humbling even the most stubborn souls.
It all began when I stumbled upon a book by Ryan Holiday called "The Obstacle Is the Way." A lot of athletes and high functioning people kept recommending this book on podcasts, and after the 6th time of hearing it mentioned, I decided to give it a read. Little did I know, this book would be my gateway into a world that would change my perspective on emotional health forever. You see, I was far from being the best role model. Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t the worst either, but I was caught up in a bunch of reckless behaviour, paying no attention to the consequences that awaited me.
Then life decided to test my jaw. A first date with a girl I met on a wild stag doo in Malta led us to a medium. Yes, you read that right, a medium. This girl I met had a spiritual side, and being the open-minded person I am (and let's be honest, hoping for some action), I decided to play along. Little did I know, this encounter with the supernatural would turn into something I never expected.
We took turns seeing the medium, as apparently, too many energies in the room could hinder her "powers." I went first, shuffling a deck of tarot cards and randomly selecting three. It all seemed like a charade, until she asked for something personal, something I carry with me all the time. I handed her my earring, thinking this would be another laughable moment.
With closed eyes, the medium began rubbing my earring, attempting to contact the spirit world. After an uncomfortable silence, she claimed to see a woman. Naturally, I thought of my recently deceased nan. But then she made a mistake and asked if it could be my sister. My sister was very much alive, so that wasn't it. She tried again, asking if it could be my mum. Well, my mum was also alive and kicking. Frustrated, she turned to me for help, asking who I wanted her to contact.
Here's the thing—I was only there because my date was into all this supernatural mumbo jumbo. I honestly couldn't care less who she contacted. So, in a split second decision, I blurted out my dad's name. And just like that, the medium started having visions of a man, surrounded by a collection of ties on a bed. She claimed he was apologising for not being in my life and described him as a bit of a wild boy. Now, I was pretty sure this medium was more crazy than gifted, but I did leave with a strange feeling. I was unable to shake off the fact that I’d never truly processed my dad’s death.
My father had passed away when I was in my second year of university. We had no bond, no connection at all. Yet, his absence had left an indescribable void within me. It felt like part of my soul had died with him. Like there’s a part of me that I’ll never fully understand now that he was gone. I buried these emotions beneath layers of partying and brief flings, hoping they would somehow fade away. But that night, the medium unintentionally unearthed those suppressed emotions, and they hit me like a tidal wave of trauma. Well, maybe not a tidal wave, that’s too dramatic. The uncomfortable emotions hit me more like a cup of water to the face.
In the midst of this emotional unrest, I found myself consuming all of the Ryan Holiday content I could find. It was during one of his conversations with Tim Ferris on a podcast that I discovered a remarkable figure from history: Marcus Aurelius. This Roman Emperor had faced more trials and tribulations than I thought was humanly possible to endure. Death was a constant companion in his life, and not only did he have to mourn the loss of his wife but also several of his children.
Intrigued by Marcus Aurelius's mental strength, I dived deeper into his life, finding a treasure trove of wisdom. His personal diary, transformed into a timeless masterpiece known as "Meditations," became my bible. Within those pages, the emperor poured out his struggles and demonstrated his unwavering determination to find inner peace amidst the chaos that surrounded him.
As I made sense of his writings, I realised that I wasn't alone in my pain. Marcus Aurelius understood the depths of grief, the battle against inner demons, and the pursuit of resilience. He became my grief guide, showing me that emotional strength is not a luxury reserved for the elite but a path accessible to all who seek it.
MARCUS AURELIUS THE O.G
From the onset of his reign, Marcus Aurelius battled with a frail body plagued by chronic illnesses. His poor health meant he was always suffering physically. Yet, he persevered, refusing to let his physical limitations turn him into a weak victim.
As the emperor, Marcus Aurelius faced unrelenting military battles. The Marcomannic Wars raged on for more than a decade, with Germanic and Sarmatian tribes persistently challenging the borders of the empire. He witnessed the devastation of his legions, the cries of his soldiers, and felt the pain of loss on a daily basis. Still, he never became a victim. He didn't dwell on any loss or get consumed by self-pity. Instead, Aurelius embraced his stoic mindset and focused on what he could control.
He took decisive action. He assessed the situation, identified the weaknesses that led to the defeats, and implemented reforms to strengthen his military and prevent future losses. He didn't shy away from making the tough decisions, like reorganising his legions and improving training and discipline. He turned devastating setbacks into decisive turning points for his reign. His leadership and stoic mindset not only brought stability to the empire, but also set an example for future leaders to follow.
While fighting battles on the frontlines like a warrior, Marcus Aurelius still had to deal with political scheming behind the scenes. Avidius Cassius, a respected general (and friend turned opp) betrayed his loyalty, fanning the flames of rebellion which threatened to tear the empire apart. With his authority at stake, Marcus used a combination of military strength, political manoeuvring, and effective communication, to successfully thwart Avidius's plot against him. One of his right-hand men tried to stab him in the back, and did he cry about it like a victim? Nope, he saw it as an opportunity to strengthen his character.
Rather than surrendering to anger or seeking revenge, Aurelius remained composed and meditative. He reminded himself in the face of the unpredictability and fickle nature of human actions, realising that disloyalty is unfortunate, but an inevitable aspect of life. He understood that the actions of others are a reflection of their own inner struggles and limitations, rather than a personal attack on himself. Basically, some people suck and some people don’t suck.
On top of dealing with all his haters, Marcus Aurelius also had to grapple with countless personal tragedies. His beloved wife, Faustina the Younger, and the deaths of his children left a gaping void in his heart and soul. The weight of grief was a huge test to his resilience and character. Did he crumble in the face of the biggest losses life served him? Nope, he dealt with his pain like a man.
He accepted the reality of his loss and allowed himself to grieve and feel the pain of his emotions without suppressing or denying them. He embraced the Stoic concept of "amor fati," the love of fate, and saw his loss as a necessary part of his journey as a human being. At the end of the day life is fleeting and everything, including loved ones, is subject to the natural order of change. Time after time he used life's challenges as opportunities for character development.
What was his secret?
Well, in his moments of solitude the emperor turned to philosophy, embracing the stoic teachings. This is what guided him through all the adversity in his life. He found support in the wisdom of his mentors and their timeless words. The stoics had a lot of quotables that are still relevant today. They were like the ancient time bars of Jay-Z. Yet, even with all these philosophical bars to help him make sense of life, they weren’t enough to protect him from the moral dilemmas that plagued his conscience.
Through adversity and grief, Marcus Aurelius emerged as a symbol of resilience, a beacon of hope, and an embodiment of the human spirit. His tragic tale, tangled with the trials he faced, serves as a reminder of the enduring power of the human will.
WHAT I LEARNED FROM MARCUS
Embracing the Ebb and Flow of Life: Life has its ups and downs. Expect moments of joy and sadness. People dying is an inevitable part of this process of life. By recognising how fleeting our existence is, we can begin to find comfort in the shared experience of loss. There’s beauty in death as it’s an experience that connects us all. There’s solace to be found in the universal nature of human suffering. It can also be used as a motivating influence to appreciate what we have, whilst we have it, because it will all go away one day. Every morning, I meditate on death. I take a moment to be thankful for the fact I woke up when I could have died in my sleep. Every day, thousands of people don’t wake up from their sleep. By thinking about death every morning, we can remind ourself not to take any day for granted.
The Power of Resilience: In the face of intense grief, Marcus Aurelius's never wilted, or hid from his problems. By focusing on what we can control - our thoughts, emotions, and actions - we can stand in the fire and learn to overcome whatever life throws at us. This also empowers us to take responsibility and be proactive about overcoming our struggles. There’re two types of people in this world, those who allow their trauma to break them and those who use their trauma to make them stronger.
The Power of the Present: During difficult moments, Marcus Aurelius focused on the present moment. Find comfort in what you still have in your life. We can find strength in the connections we value, be it family, friends, or the support of our network. Whilst I wasn’t close to my dad, I still have a lot of family in Angola (where he is from) and they’re all incredibly welcoming and loving and maintaining this connection has brought me a degree of comfort.
Reflecting on Legacy: Marcus Aurelius talks about the importance of reflecting on our own mortality and the legacy we wish to leave behind. You can’t escape the fragile nature of our existence. Finding inspiration to live with purpose by embracing the lessons life subjects us to is a must. Ultimately my dad’s death inspired me to become the man I needed in my life as a child. I’m forging my own path to do this but I will leave breadcrumbs so any other fatherless young men can follow my lead on the road to defining their masculinity. The world needs more competent, emotionally stable men out there and this community of outlaws we’re creating will be full of them.
In sharing my story and the lessons I've learned, I invite you to join me on the path of most resistance. Throughout this series, we will embark on a journey together—a journey towards mastering our emotional fitness. We will draw inspiration from the trials of Marcus Aurelius and a bunch of other stoics, learn from their timeless wisdom, and apply their teachings to our own lives. We’re going to explore the depths of our emotions, confront our fears, and cultivate the strength to laugh in the face of adversity.
Through resilience and an unwavering focus on the present moment, you will discover the power to overcome adversity and create a legacy that reflects your truest self. This path i'm taking you down is defined by emotional stability, purpose, and a commitment to becoming the men we needed in our own lives. Together, we will rewrite the narrative of masculinity and inspire a generation of competent, strong individuals ready to embrace life's challenges head-on.
Always remember, you were born to be the hero of your story.
Free your outlaw.