INTRO
It's only after spending more time with my nephews that I was able to see the importance of role models. I didn't realise how much kids copy all your actions and behaviours and model themselves on you. Think about it, everything you know right now, you've had to learn at some point from someone or something.
Growing up, I didn't have a father figure or mentors to guide me. I never thought they were crucial because I found role models in books that taught me valuable lessons. In my life, there was no physical person I could look up to for guidance.
Yet, If I could figure out how to succeed, why couldn't everyone else? I'm nothing extraordinary, just an average person that grew up on a council estate in a small town. There were no positive role models around me. I had no one that I could look at and say I want to be like that guy. Despite that, I managed to become someone I can respect.
My childhood led me to have no sympathy for men's struggles. I knew of 2 young men around my age who killed themselves before I turned 22. I felt nothing for them. I thought some people just aren't cut out of this world. It's survival of the fittest. It can be a cruel place and if you haven't developed thick enough skin to survive it, then that’s on you. I had no love for mental health issues for most of my life, but one day that changed.
I was listening to the Joe Rogan podcast and he had a guest on there called Zuby. This guy was making a lot of sense as they discussed various trending societal topics. Whilst talking about men's struggles in modern society, Zuby mentioned that men committed 90% of all suicides in the UK.
This got my attention. I immediately suspected something else was going on. It must be a conspiracy. There has to be more to this story that I’m missing. That figure seemed insane to me because you rarely heard about mens struggles in society back then.
We're supposed to just toughen up and get on with it right? The only thing is, these days I suspect a lot of men aren't tough enough to just get on with it. Instead, they end up suffering in silence until the pain of carrying on becomes unbearable.
I've thought about this idea a lot... why are men so fragile now?
THE HOMELESS MAN IN CABINDA
I need to take you back in time 20 odd years to an image that still lingers in my mind. The location is Cabinda where I have family. We were driving to visit my uncle who hadn’t seen me in years. It was a scorching day, and as our car crawled through the crowded streets, I looked out the window and took in the chaos around me. Dust filled the air, and the sidewalks were littered with garbage.
And then, among the mess, I locked eyes with a homeless man. He stood there, his bare feet touched the scorching pavement, his raggedy trousers hanging loosely on his frail frame. You could tell he hadn’t eaten in days, maybe even weeks. You could see his ribs, he was literally skin and bones. He looked like he was dying in slow motion before my eyes.
As we drove past him and he left my eyeline, he mustered a smile but his eyes told a different story. The brave face was a mask and it was clear that he was suffering. As I tried to process what I was seeing I just remember feeling this overwhelming urge to try and help him. But I was like 10 years old at the time, there was nothing I could do for him.
Even now, when I see homeless people in my own city of London, it brings back that memory. It reminds me of the stark contrast between those who struggle to survive with only the bare essentials and those who exploit generosity to feed their addictions.
The sight of someone asking for money while clad in clean clothes and holding a smartphone makes me feel uncomfortable. I can’t help but think of the genuine suffering I witnessed, of the man in Cabinda who was wasting away. Who had nothing but a tattered pair of trousers to his name, smiling through his pain. Not only is it a haunting symbol of suffering and resilience but also a stark reminder of the vast inequality that still exist in our world.
And this is the conclusion I came to: It's too easy to survive in first world countries. This should be a good thing but when coupled with our inclination to do the bare minimum we need to in order to survive it becomes problematic. We fall to level required to survive in our environment.
There simply isn't enough challenges and difficult things to overcome. If you're not given the opportunity to overcome true adversity, pain and suffering then how are you supposed to develop resilience and competence?
How are you supposed to respect and value yourself if you've never done anything hard in your life?
This is how you build self-worth and as a man if you don't add value to yourself, you have no value and your life has no meaning.
If you want to add value to yourself and become more resilient, here are some action steps you can start implementing today:
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Invest in your physical health: Hit the gym, engage in regular physical activity, and push yourself to your limits. A strong and healthy body forms the foundation for a resilient man.
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Develop a growth mindset: Embrace challenges and setbacks as opportunities for growth. Adopt a mindset that sees failure as a stepping stone to becoming a stronger version of yourself.
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Cultivate emotional intelligence: Understand and manage your emotions effectively. Through meditation and stoicism (we have a guide on this) you can develop the ability to regulate your emotions and handle stressful situations without flinching.
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Find your gang: Surround yourself with like-minded individuals who uplift and inspire you through competition. Seek mentors and role models who can guide you on your journey. You can do this by joining clubs or groups in real life and online. This is the purpose of our community.
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Embrace challenges and take calculated risks: Step out of your comfort zone and take on new challenges. Be willing to face your fears and take calculated risks in pursuit of your goals. Remember, growth and success often lie just beyond the boundaries of comfort. That thing you've been thinking about doing but don't think you're strong or smart enough to do, just do it. You'll become stronger and smarter with practice.
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Develop a positive mindset: Train your mind to focus on the positive aspects of life. Practice gratitude, affirmations, and visualisation techniques. Maintain an optimistic outlook, even in the face of adversity. Believe in your own potential and embrace a "can-do" attitude. Gratitude journaling or just journaling in general is an easy way to train this skill.
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Continuously learn and adapt: Stay curious and hungry for knowledge. Read books, listen to podcasts, attend seminars, and engage in lifelong learning. Adapt to the changing world around you and constantly seek improvement in all areas of your life.
The journey to adding value to yourself and becoming more resilient is a continuous process. Stay committed, take consistent action starting with at least one of the above, and never settle for mediocrity.
Always remember, your were born to be the hero of your story.
Free your outlaw.